Friday Feels....

So I have had an emotional roller coaster of a couple of weeks, and sitting here on a Friday processing it all I can see how all of it was a gift for my growth. A pre-sent set of experiences custom made just for me. BTW, we are all getting this simultaneously, it's called reality, and it is an amazing adventure. Your mission, should you choose to accept it!!

I am sitting in beautiful Florida today and it was a planned long weekend trip to bring my daughter Avery down to see our new home for her first time and decorate her room and start to get to know the area etc. I am here, but she is not and that is ok.

A few months, a year ago and especially a few years ago I am not sure how 'ok' I would have been with the same events and how they unfolded. Actually I am pretty sure I wouldn't not have been ok, because my nightly Chardonnay habit was due in part to coping with the stress of trying to be the perfect mom and what I mistakenly thought that meant at the time. 

I little helpful background; my beautiful daughter Avery is one of those strong willed humans that does not feel the need to comply with traditional expectations. She also has a tremendous amount of anxiety and has since she was little, but also a lot of resistance to receiving any help. To keep it short and spare you too many details, she has developed a fear of flying. But in typical Avery fashion she wanted to conquer her fear by flying this weekend. We had all the conversations, used all the techniques and Jedi mind tricks that we could. I coached her, she allowed her self to be coached a little, but not much. BTW she tests as an enneagram 8. 

We made it onto the plane, which was a huge accomplishment, but terror also came on as our third passenger and got a strong enough grip on Avery that she ended up getting off the plane. This was part of our deal of getting to the airport and on the plane. She is 18 and I let her make her own decision, we brought her car to the airport and she was allowed to make her decision. I let go, we also agreed that I would continue on. 

I was able to stay calm and at peace with her decision. I didn't try to force, beg, use guilt, anger or sadness or hold onto her. I let her have her own experience and consequences for her own growth. It was almost like an out of body experience. I think this is what is really meant by the scripture in John 3:30 "He must become greater and greater and I must become less and less". I think I was graced with a glimpse into a direct experience of what this feels like. 

This whole chapter discusses this, but the verses 5-8 also captures a bit of what I am starting to understand experientially at a deeper level. John 3:5-8 ".Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life. So don’t be surprised when I say, ‘You must be born again.’The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”

God and/or Holy Spirit, divine mind, Christ consciousness (whatever language resonates with you) partnering with my higher self stepped in and took over, 'I' didn't need to do anything. I let (isn't that nice of me?) everyone have their own experience, those on the plane around us, my husband, my son and most importantly Avery. I can see that it all happened for everyone's greater good whether they see it that way or not. Grace, love and peace literally stepped in and held us and permeated the whole experience - at least from my perspective and experience. 

There is also no ego about this, or at least I am not aware of it. If I had 'freaked' or handled it differently that would have been ok, too. It isn't about judging that I showed up 'better'. That being said I think I showed up with more love, genuine unconditional love. Or rather, ''i" got out of the way of what is always there for us and within all of us all the time. I let go, surrendered, accepted and allowed myself to be guided, to be lived to be breathed, to be used. I don't know how to explain it any better.  

Anyway, I landed in Florida connected with Avery by phone and reassured her how awesome she did by even facing her fear and getting on the plane, HUGE!! We focused on all the wins, she is a more evolved human being now, she has the experience of going to the airport, going through security, getting on the plane and also getting herself off and back to her car and home! Pretty amazing how capable we are and how much we grow every moment with every new experience! As you might expect she was having a lot of big feelings too, she was upset with herself, she felt embarrassed, guilty, angry, sad, but also proud and determined and tired.

It takes a lot of energy to feel things fully - they aren't called e-motions for nothing! But allowing them to come also allows them to go, vs suppressing or denying which just causes them to stick around and grow out of control. We talked about how to allow ourselves to be where we are without judgement. Feelings like guilt and embarrassment in situations like this is just another strategy of the ego to paradoxically make us feel better. We talked about how to be compassionate with yourself, be your own best friend, recognize that she did her best, but also what she needs to work on and how to prepare better for the next time! A lot of her strong walls got softened yesterday as well, she felt safe enough because I let go of trying to 'fix it'. 

So what could have been perceived as a failure and a disappointment that ruined our weekend was turned into a learning experience and a win, win, win for all!! I have heard the words 'I was looking forward to hanging out with you and dad in Florida', 'I love you' multiple times from a walled up teenager who is usually 'too cool for school'. So in my book we all went to a further destination and flew higher and farther and deeper in our actual lives and relationships than a simple flight could have done... but what do I know... if she had gotten on the plane and made the flight that would have been perfect and as it should be too...

 

To top it off, I had a lovely evening with my husband, allowed myself to enjoy myself - this is a HUGE win for me!! The previous versions of me would have ruminated, felt guilty, spent hours try to make her happy, make my husband happy or ok ... I am learning how to be ok even when I perceive others as not, but who am I to judge. We are all right where we need to be.... if we just let ourselves be in the present moment with openness life will show you what to do.  This takes a lot of practice, a lot of faith, trust, letting go. You will stumble and fall a lot, that is part of the process. It is a journey, I am here to encourage you and your are here to encourage me - no judgement, just coming along side each other with love and compassion. I think that is what Jesus role modeled. The kingdom can be experienced here on earth, but it is an inside out upside down sort of kingdom. 

 

You see I thought over drinking, over eating, over overing was the problem, turns out those are/were just symptoms of my real problem -  co-dependency. But I am also here to tell you that there is hope, we can learn to be inter-dependent vs. co-dependent, healthy and independent. "In the world but not of the world"  It takes a lot of dedication, persistence and work and I have a long way to go, but it is so so worth all of it!! What I experienced just in the last 72 hours, the last couple of weeks with an unexpected and challenging interaction with another family member and how I was able to work through things, show up differently within myself allowed me to have this new experience and others on the other end of me as well.  It is worth every tear, every struggle, every discomfort, every moment. A glimpse into what it means to that "the kingdom is within". 

 

The scriptures are coming alive for me in a new way - in typical human thinking we think from the outside in, but this is the upside down way of Jesus  -  salvation is an inside job. 

Romans 8:28

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for.

But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

  

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